Yippee! America’s most dysfunctional family this side of the Simpsons managed to win a must-lose NFL game.
Aww, the Denver Broncos. They can’t even tank correctly.
Say goodbye to the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft and any real shot of landing USC quarterback Caleb Williams. On this Sunday, cruddy, Sunday, the Broncos blew a 13-point lead in the second half, then rallied to beat Green Bay 19-17.
Despite trying his best to become the first coach in the 64-year history of the franchise to start his career 0-4 at home, Sean Payton’s team prevailed in the end. Not that it made him happy.
“I was a little happier before I came in here,” Payton told the assembled media wretches during his postgame news conference.
Funny you should mention that, Coach.
The mood in any room is usually a lot brighter before Payton enters, dragging that doom-and-gloom cloud on a leash behind him.
For Broncomaniacs old enough to remember the 1970s, when the streak of selling out home games in Denver began and Quaker Oats debuted a classic commercial for Life cereal, Payton is the NFL’s version of Little Mikey. He hates everything.
In a city where football is religion, is it blasphemy to hate that the Broncos won this game? In the race for the No. 1 draft choice, a team can only win for losing.
But on any given Sunday in this league, a bad team can rise up and emerge victorious. And on this particular Sunday, it happened repeatedly. The Patriots, Bears and Giants all doubled their number of victories on the season to two. Those unexpected wins could’ve made losing to Green Bay especially valuable to Denver.
Had kicker Wil Lutz not nailed a 52-yard field goal with three minutes, 50 seconds, remaining in the fourth quarter, and had safety P.J. Locke then not thwarted the Packers’ final offensive possession by intercepting quarterback Jordan Love deep in Broncos territory, Denver could’ve awakened Monday morning with the inside track for the No. 2 ranking in the Tankathon standings, trailing only the winless Panthers in the race for the draft’s top pick.
How are you going to celebrate this gutty little W, cornerback Pat Surtain?
“Shoot, probably going to get some drinks in,” he said.
So let’s raise a glass of bourbon to salute Denver’s refusal to fold against the Packers. And make mine a double, bartender, because at this point, one victory moves the Broncos no closer to ending a playoff drought that began in 2016.
We can only hope beating Green Bay, more devoid of playmakers than any team Denver has played thus far this season, doesn’t alter plans for the Broncos to be sellers at the trade deadline on Oct. 31.
But we all can be genuinely happy for receiver Courtland Sutton, believed to be among the veteran players holding appeal in the trade market. He caught six passes for 76 yards, including an 18-yard touchdown that put Denver ahead 16-3 with 6:17 remaining in the third quarter.
And what’s good for Sutton is a relief for all his teammates, because maybe they won’t have to listen to Payton gripe and moan quite so profusely when the Broncos enter the video room to review a game that leaves them unbeaten against hapless foes from the NFC North. The mood at the team’s Dove Valley headquarters will be much improved, Sutton said, “knowing that we had a hard-fought win.”
In victory, however, Payton was not a happy duck. He quacked about a hit that got safety Kareem Jackson tossed from a game for the second time this season. Without prompting, he groused about quarterback Russell Wilson misfiring on a pass in a key situation. He lamented the defense getting caught with 10 men on the field in the red zone, a mistake that got defensive coordinator Vance Joseph chewed out by his grumpy boss.
“Look,” Payton said, “we’re never happy.”
Nothing about players busting their tails for him ever seems to please Payton, whose sourpuss reminds me of a classic old episode of the Simpsons in which Homer was given a pro football team for helping Hank Scorpio execute evil plans.
With dreams of being rewarded with ownership of the Cowboys, Homer can’t contain his disappointment upon opening his front door to the sight of a hapless group of orange-clad players.
“Aww,” Homer said, “the Denver Broncos.”
We feel your pain, Homer.
This team is infuriating. At this point, what are long-suffering fans in Broncos Country supposed to cheer for? If Denver winds up selecting sixth or seventh in the first round of the draft, with quarterbacks Williams and Drake Maye of North Carolina both long off the board, this victory against Green Bay will be one, big d’oh!
Aww, the Denver Broncos. They can’t lose for winning.
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